Jungle Justine

2008-12-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

i am completely and utterly stressed out. two weeks and the semester is through, i can't wait.

The Teenagers

2008-11-27T19:33:00.001-08:00

since i'd hate to lose some of my blogspot readers, i decided to end this neglect period and start doing a few posts on what i'm up to here as well as on my tumblr (post below).

my thanksgiving was pretty...boring.
i stayed home and had lots of food.
i guess the excitement of thanksgiving and the holidays in general is kind of gone now that i'm getting older.

i'm really stoked for next friday, i'm going to go see The Teenagers live which should be an interesting experience considering how hilarious their lyrics are.

but in order to see the show i have to get through the mountains of homework i have. why is that all professors pile on the difficult assignments when the semester is nearing an end. ugh.

lets hope i can handle the stress.
chances are i'll be at the williamsburg music hall dancing and studying at the same time.

I Don't Blog, I Tumble.

2008-11-18T18:40:00.001-08:00

its better than blogspot, trust me.
(i'll still use this every now and then)

http://justinesamantha.tumblr.com/

Writers Blockade

2008-11-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

lately, i don't have time to write which is fustrating.
school is hectic and i barely have time to process the events going on in my life.

with winter break approaching, i am thinking of ways to return to my writing.
i have so many thoughts that deserve to be on paper, that deserve to be shared.

obviously much has happened between my last post and now so please be patient.

my song of the day for this rainy day
CocoRosie - Promises.mp3

2008-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

i hate talking about life, i hate talking about love. i feel like everyone shares their obvious epiphanies. i'm done with all that nonsense.

right now, i'm simply focused.

i know my priorities, i know the people i want to be surrounded by.

its really quite simple.

It Was Wonderful.

2008-10-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

life is has taken a wonderful turn. i hate to spoil my happiness by going into detail but lets just say, i am finally surrounding myself with the right people and i am smiling more than ever before.

:sigh:

Death Cab For Cutie

2008-10-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

new video (to me) from Death Cab for Cutie.

its intense.

Fear Of Love, Fear Of Hurt

2008-10-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

i don't think i'm afraid of love. love is wonderful.

i fear the aftermath, the hurt and disappointment.

i hope i don't get hurt this time around, i really do.

As Tall As Lions.

2008-09-20T09:12:00.001-07:00

i have a crush on the lead singer. who cares if he wears flip flops, look at that face.

Wifey Or Arm Candy.

2008-09-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

most females don't understand the difference between wifey and arm candy until they experience being one or the other. i've had tons of guy friends in my life and i know for a fact that guys draw a fine line between the two.

guys don't necesarily need a model looking girlfriend but someone that is on their level. a women that isn't afraid to show she is smart. the whole ditz act, it doesn't work! stop doing it. guys are truly not as shallow as women think. yes, they think about sex often but when it comes to being in a stable relationship they want the exact same things a woman wants, a great personality.

A Car, Finally.

2008-09-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

my dad is finally talking about getting me the car of my dreams. the 08' civic coupe black on black. good things really do happen with time.

Drop The Negative.

2008-09-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

i've dropped all things negative and truly found what it means to live a peaceful drama free life.

no one that i left behind about 3 months ago is missed. it may sound cruel but they did nothing for me other than create bad energy.

if you leave it will never be my loss.

take that how you wish. if you take it personal, then it applies to you.

Illa Life

2008-08-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

Illa Life, fresh urban wear coming to you directly from the creative mind of my friend Illa. If you don't know her, well now you do.

I look foward to the printing of these shirts but for now a sneak preview for everyone. enjoy and make sure you go on www.myspace.com/illa_life and check her work out. its worth your friend request.

Life Is A Book, I'll Start Mine Now.

2008-08-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a book. I don't plan on publishing it. I just want to write a book. Simple as that.

feel free to read my random chapter posts via my tumblr blog.

i came up with a great book title if i might add, STUMBLING THROUGH LIFE, TRIPPING FOR LOVE.

Believe In Me.

2008-08-28T10:15:00.001-07:00

Lenny ♥

Bad Boy Syndrome.

2008-08-23T22:03:00.001-07:00

why is it that i find myself attracted to boys that are obviously going to hurt me? it must be their charm because i keep finding myself with the same sweet talking types. the type that go by thier own rules and could give a fuck what anyone thinks. i don't know what makes these guys so appealing, i blame my bad boy syndrome.

i've been suffering from it for my entire dating career. i wonder am i passing up nice and genuine guys when i spend my valuable time with these losers. yes, its possible that every bad boy isn't necessarily a dead beat but from what i've experienced, they can only be held down for a certain amount of time unless you have them whipped (which is pretty much impossible).

i've made lists of guys that i would find attractive and they either had tattoos or piercings, did graffitiy or some type of extreme sport. none of them simply liked to relax at home and read a book. ironically, that is what i enjoy which speaks thousands in itself.

i hope there is a cure to my syndrome because i need a quick fix. i can see my romantic past repeating itself if i don't give other guys an opportunity. I should start but can i really leave the bad boy phase behind me?

i don't think i want to quite yet. haha.

Saving Your Trust?

2008-08-22T19:01:00.001-07:00

Living in a world where people lie and hold back the truth its hard to decide who really has your best interest at heart and who is worth your trust. Can you hand your emotions over with the security of knowing they won't be dropped like a bad habit?

I think everyone goes into relationships fearing letting go of their trust

I used to be someone that trusted no one but i find that it can be more self destructive than helpful. Life has struggles and people will disappoint you. How can you expect to find what your looking for, whether it be friendship or love if your holding everything back. Don't get me wrong, its good to protect your emotions but don't overprotect to the point that no one has the opportunity to understand you other than yourself.

Trust is really all about having good judgement, good timing and patience.

Garbage Today, Memory Tomorrow.

2008-08-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

About a week ago i threw away the bag of things that represented the relationship i had with him.

I felt no personal connection to the bag. Nope, not even the slightest bit of remorse. It was just garbage for the garbage man to pick up the next morning. It was in that moment that i realized i was finally letting go of the entire situation.

Its true what they say, time heals everything.

When we first broke up, i was devistated and about two weeks later i became extremely bitter. i wanted to hold on to that bag the same way i wanted to hold on to "us". The bag represented us and what i wanted back so badly.

I never got it back. The bag is gone. I'm okay. I've let it all go.

Groove To Amel.

2008-08-18T12:01:00.001-07:00

Amel Larrieux, my kind of singer. You might recognize Amel from the group Groove Theroy.

If your into singers like Sade, you will love Amel.

Vashtie Interview.

2008-08-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

i truly admire this woman. i'll say it over and over. definitely looking foward to her clothing line.

The Hills Return.

2008-08-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one excited for the series premiere of The Hills? Three Days, Three Days! I've been a dedicated fan and i think many of you watch it on the hush, hush.

Higher Learning.

2008-08-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Higher Learning, great movie that touches the sensitive subject of discrimination. Filmed in 1995. The film gives a great idea of what hatred can lead to when it meets a learning enviroment and why people should really come together rather than divide and seperate themselves into groups based off differences and stereotypes. I've seen it about five times and it still manages to make me cry everytime. Highly suggested movie. Starring well-knowns like Ice Cube and Tyra Banks (to name a few).

Life After The Hurt Is Bittersweet.

2008-08-14T19:17:00.001-07:00

life is really starting to fall back into place. despite some of the unfortunate situations that happened over the past few weeks, i'm comfortable with the outcomes.

i'm comfortable with where i stand as a person.

of course i will wish that things turned out differently with certain friends and ex boyfriends but i can't change fate. i don't want to.

i am well aware of my faults, yet i know where my good heart shined through. i can't sit here any longer and find ways to fix what can not be repaired.

if i continue to hang on to the nothing i've been hanging on to, i'll never live life. yes, i'd love to hear an apology from the people i called best friends and of course i want to know what he's thinking but ultimately it may never happen.

i've learned alot over this summer and somewhere in between the tears and arguments i got stronger.

i'm hopeful. i'm truly hopeful.

The Death Of Him.

2008-08-10T23:11:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep. Its 2:10 am and i'm sitting here trying my best not to cry.

It hurts when someone you thought you knew turns out to be a fraud. Yes, thats what he is a fucking fraud. A con. A bullshit artist.

You put me through some ridiculous shit while we were together and the nerve of you to come at me like i did something wrong? Lets see, in between traveling two hours to get your birthday gift, helping your mom at work while simultaneously working my hardest to keep you happy tell me where exactly i fucked up?

Tonight i realized what i've been denying.

Your just a kid. Constantly running away from your problems.

Yes, i'm dramatic. I know that and you knew that too. I told you every single flaw i posessed because i knew it was important to the relationship. I gave up my beliefs all for this "so-called relationship" but you never once noticed. Perhaps if you weren't so busy trying to get in my pants you'd have heard me, you would have understood. Grow up. Running away from your issues won't solve anything (consider this a lesson in not only relationships but life). You had the ability to love me but chose an easier route. A route with someone that is "less dramatic".

Sounds like a boring female to me.

Thanks to you i can barely carry a conversation with other guys because i'm scared i'll end up having wasted my time. End up used, and hurt with nothing to show for.

Someday you'll realize where you fucked up. I won't be around when that happens. i could give a shit about what you say behind my back. it only proves why your no longer worth my thought or energy.

i am determined to bury your memory.

Just A Moment.

2008-08-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

Rest In Peace Bernie Mac, legendary comedian.

Love The Hard Way

2008-08-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Jack: You're finished with me right?
Claire: [nods no]
Jack: Not the man you'd hoped I'd be?
Claire: [nods yes]
Jack: It's better this way, ok? Now stop crying, I don't deserve your tears.
Claire: You've been lying to me from the start haven't you?
Jack: Look I just wanted to fuck you, that's all it was.
Claire: When you said you loved me was that a lie too? Nothing was true. Just lies, just fucking lies.
Jack: Look I don't love anyone Claire, and you're hurt cause the love story that you made up for yourself fell apart, and it's all in your mind.
Claire: I'm dead.
Jack: Don't be so dramatic.

The following dialogue is from a scene in one of my favorite love movies, Love The Hard Way (starring Adrien Brody as Jack). I've seen the movie a little over ten times and the scene still has the same affect on me as it did the first time i watched the movie. It raises so many questions about relationships in general. Do women set themselves up for disappointment romantically by creating fairy tale endings? Do I?

rhetorical question.

i am Claire.

Side note: Another movie suggestion, Broken starring Heather Graham.

My Eighteen.

2008-08-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

i've made about five "my eighteen" lists but never managed to complete any of them. i feared who might come across the list. well, the fear is gone. i have finally decided it is time for me to finish the list and get every built up emotion (good & bad) off my chest.

1. your more than my flesh and blood, your my part time mother. you've been through it all and then some. i can be hardheaded and hate to listen but your advice is never wrong. some people question the fact that i admire you so much but i could care less. no one understands the infinite strength you posses. i think you doubt it yourself. you shouldn't. your the one of the few people that can give me the honest truth, tell me to wipe the tears off my face and "suck it up, that's life" instead of letting me cry on your shoulder. your my rock and my only speed dial (literally). i use everything you've taught me as a map for my own life. you've toughened me up. i thank you for that but most importantly i love you for that.

2. we've known each other since the first grade and here we are nearly sixteen years later with a strong friendship. i haven't been the best friend to you over the past few months yet you still manage to be there for me when i need you most. i can't believe your a mom. i can't believe how much of a women you have grown into. i am truly happy for you. your getting everything you deserve. i can't wait until another ten years from now when i'm making you my bridesmaid. yes, i'm sure our friendship will last that long.

3. i never thought i'd meet one of my dearest friends on myspace but i did. your a wonderful person with a genuine heart. you tell me how it is and don't care if it hurts my feelings. its what i need, someone that doesn't sugarcoat the truth or tell me what i want to hear. i can talk to you for hours about absolutely nothing important and never get bored. its been that way since the very day you friend requested me. we may not live close to each other but we remain in contact which makes the distance non-existent. thank you for being there even when you didn't owe me shit. thank you for being real in a world full of fake.

4. thanks to my ex boyfriend i met you. one of the few things i can thank him for, our lovely friendship. your a great person and i am glad we had the pleasure of hanging out. people told me i shouldn't befriend you, but i don't see why. your amazing and hold nothing back. i think people fear that you are more than a woman but woman that is comfortable in her own skin. good for you. i need to surround myself with more people like yourself. it doesn't hurt that your family is equally as amazing as you.

5. you were my main bitch but unfortunately our friendship of fifteen years ended over one night of fun. i'd say it was a shame but i'd rather say shit happens. we may reunite somewhere along the lines but its going to really hard for me to forgive you. can't you see your wrongs, ever? i mean the fact that you didn't call my mom that night is beyond me. i don't hate you but i don't think our friendship was meant to last. true friends wouldn't have allowed things to get that out of control. everything happens for a reason. you were a great friend and lots of times you weren't. i'll miss the laughs and times we reminisce, i'll miss the inside jokes but i won't miss the fact that you couldn't tell me sorry. you never apologized, not once in all the years we were friends. sorry isn't your thing, understandable. dignity is mine. best of luck in life.

6. your the one guy i've actually loved. the one guy that probably would have married me if i didn't go and fuck up and act selfish. your a great person and thankfully your not the type to bounce and treat me like shit simply because "we are not official". your more than a first love, your my good friend. you know how i am and can deal with me. thanks for continuously dealing. you will remain in my life, even if it isn't romantically.

7. remember the day in psychology 101 i tapped your shoulder and asked if you wanted to be my lab partner? the day you rolled your eyes at me? well i remember. who would've thought that our awkward first day of "introduction to psychology" would turn into a close friendship. i swear, college wouldn't be the same without you. you have all your priorities straight and your a lot like myself. you know what you want and you go after it. you don't take shit from anyone even if its your parents. your intuitions are always right, especially when it comes to advice. i really should listen to you more.

8. your the brother i never had. i am hardheaded but you manage to push it to the side and stick around even if it is out of your character. i don't want you to go back to school. i hate when you do but when winter/spring/summer break rolls around i can look forward to having the best time with you. love you homie, even when you say "i don't care", i know deep down you do.

9. you started out as a friend then turned into someone i mess with, then a hopeless love interest and now here we are the best of friends. your a talented kid and i don't think i could hold the fact that you had no intention of getting involved with me against you. it is what it is. we been through way too much shit together to never talk again. we are better as friends. i support you one hundred percent and know you will be something amazing. the possibilities are endless with you. best of luck homie. remember the little people, especially me. ha.

1o. i really wish you would leave that loser you call your boyfriend. you have so much potential and you put so much of your life on hold for him. i love you so much and hate to see you with someone that is no good for you. i give you real advice and you get mad but i am only being honest because i hate to see you hurting or with someone for the sake of "being together". other than him, your still my main hoe. you definitely need to take time from that so-called love life and visit me in good ol' suburbia.

11. your my dedicated reader. you were the first person to instant message me and say, i know exactly how you feel. it doesn't hurt that your cute and beyond smart. i can't wait to see where this goes. hopefully your a good guy like you claim. i kind of think you came into my life for a reason. we'll see, we'll see.

12. if i had a twin it would be you. i am just like you, its kind of scary to see. your boyfriend happens to agree. sorry i haven't been the best friend lately but know that i love you alot. i'll miss your pint sized self when you go to school in the fall (which is a miracle in itself that your even going away, hooray! i'm beyond proud of you). better make time for me during all the breaks. okay boo? ha ha.

13. if we still talked i would ask you, why the fuck you messing up your life over "puppy love"? too bad we don't and too bad your getting advice from little kids.

14. you claim to be so mature yet you carry drama from high school into your adulthood. i may not be the most mature person but i know when shit should be dropped. you talk shit like its your job. you like to instigate and create drama then proceed to complain about people being against you? drama doesn't necessarily follow you as much as you follow it. get over yourself please. you got everything from the car to the boyfriend but do you have real friends anymore? nope. your too busy holding the littlest things against people, including me. i've known you for so long. you can't be serious. your guilty of all the things you've accused me of during our friendship, so what's your point? you don't have one. oh well, you don't need me, i don't need you. time for you to go find someone else to use.

15. thanks for supporting me. thanks for being there for me even when i was a terrible friend. thank you for understanding. thank you for remaining my friend and never holding anything against me. thank you.

16. well, you yell and scream every time i speak to you but when your not your trying to make me feel better. i don't know where i'd be in life without you. i may not tell you i love you often enough but i do. i'm sorry i don't clean the bathroom, i'm sorry i complain, i'm sorry i can't be the person you feel i should be right at this moment. i'm working on it. i really am.

17. fraternities and school was way more important to you. i couldn't find my way between any of the chaos, even when i tried my hardest. i can only thank you for the experience because the sex wasn't that great.

18. i would have started my list with you but i refuse to give you the satisfaction. well, where do i begin? i never thought you'd turn your back on me as easily as you did but i thought wrong. i gave myself to you completely. i lived and breathed you. i guess that is where i went wrong. i should have paid attention to my intuition when i knew things just weren't right. the warnings were right in front of my face. i ignored them all for the sake of holding on to what i thought was the best thing i've ever experienced. i did nothing but good things for you and the people of your life. i was an amazing girlfriend but instead of being a man and honestly telling me why you were leaving me you found an excuse to break up with me. you said you couldn't handle the stress of work. bullshit. you found a new half-ass replacement. so apparently you did have time, just not for me. hypocrite. i mean, maybe you did care for me at some point but it still does not erase the fact that you couldn't own up to the ways you betrayed me, time and time again. thanks to you i am completely numb to all "boys" that put on an act, boys such as yourself. cowards. your look does not the defeat the fact that your young in age and mind. i truly feel bad for the girl your with now, she can only look foward to hurt and disappointment. i didn't think i hated you, because the word hate is so strong but you know what, i do. i hate you. i thought i knew who you were but, after these past few weeks i look at you in a whole new light. a negative light. i used to wish you the best in life but you don't deserve any of my wishes. i hope to never see you again because then i can pretend you never hurt me enough to lead me to this point, the point of regret. i was mislead by false hopes you gave me. hopefully with the end of us i can look foward to something good, something real.

do not ask me for names to match numbers. i will not disclose that information under any circumstance.

do not judge me. do not question, just read.

Good Or Bad?

2008-08-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

i am in love with ashanti's new album but her latest music video for her single, Good Good is a complete disappointment. the song is cute but in the video she is stereotyping women. women are more than housewives and arm candy, we have fully capable minds too.

My Mind Races.

2008-08-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

i've had alot on my mind lately but for some reason i've had no words to explain whats been going on in my mental. i took the past two days to contemplate. thinking is what i've been doing most. thinking, thinking, thinking.

i am thinking too much.

for the past two days i've woken up in a cold sweat. nightmares that leave me uneasy. i don't know if i should blame the constant bad memories lingering in my head or the fact that they were so realistic. i've come to the conclusion that the recent nightmares and current events of my life have left me in complete fear of letting my trust go, ever again.

everything from new friendships to building romantic relationships. no one is worth it.

who can you really trust other than yourself? the world is cold and will only continue to get colder with time. people are messed up. people fuck up. its just the way it is. the only thing i can do is protect my feelings from people that are only going to toy with them.

its safe to say I'm done with it all. i don't give a fuck who you are. i won't bring the wall around me down for anyone. even if that means being alone. i am done putting others before myself.

that leads me to my next point.

i used to try and avoid regretting but i wasn't able to drown out the little voice in my head asking me to change a few things so i wouldn't feel badly. I'm finally learning, changing the past doesn't change inevitable outcomes, the future. everything happens for a reason. cliche yet honest.

truthfully, i am thankful for every single mistake and person that set me up for hurt and failure. my constant reminiscence has brought me to this point.

i won't stop blaming myself for ignoring the signals of destruction but i will understand how strong it has helped me become. for the first time in awhile i don't want to change anything. i don't want to be the one to apologize or cry. God is telling me something indirectly and i have to listen. i have to push on, even if that means leading a life without people i loved. turn your back on me and i guarantee i'll be waving my middle finger behind you.

i'll speak on this more later.
(i really don't care if the following post offends anyone. i'm done apologizing for my thoughts. fuck you and yours)

Catch and Release.

2008-08-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have to let go of the things you held close in order to move foward. i'm learning to just let go.

i never thought i'd realize that on my birthday.

I Got A Thing For A Chick Named Nicki

2008-07-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

i've fallen in love with nicki minaj. don't ask why. i just love her. she is the truth. best believe her mixtape is on my ipod.

"thats word to hip hop, i pop the bitch top, like a corona. CALL THE CORONER! theres going to be alot of bled dresses and chest vest-es if i find out he got a next misses"

Goodbye New York.

2008-07-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

i'd love to move to california. i plan to live there for at least one year.

i went to Los Angeles once and instantly fell in love. people are so much more mellow than they are in New York. it could be the great weather. New Yorkers are so angry. it would be nice to switch up my life a bit. add a little excitement and remove some of the stress that the New York atmosphere has not only started but fueled.

i am definitely going to look into grad schools in california for once i graduate Pace University. i mean i could definitely find a magazine or newspaper i could write for and possibly roommate with my cousin whom is all about traveling.

two years left of undergraduate. next stop California? i hope so. nothing is holding me back so i don't see why not.

& I Never Really Cared.

2008-07-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

its ironic how you can look back on a situation that you once cried over and laugh.

well, that is how i react every time i think of a guy from my past. the people that did nothing for me other than make me want to pull my hair out and give me unneccessary stress. stimulate my mind? hardly.

every guy i've dated had the selfish trait. the "i'm the shit" type attitude. my mind was the last thing on their to-do list. either they had no goals in life or they had too many to find time to understand me completely. i was fucked with each and every single one of them from the moment i let them in my life.

the only person to blame was myself. i put myself in these predictments over and over. it was only inevitable that i get hurt. i chose to be with these guys and dedicate my valuable time. they all lacked the type of traits i go for when it comes to commitment and creating futures.

looking back, i wasn't hurt. i was disappointed at yet another bad guy polluting my life with negativity.

i am convinced that i end up with these selfish guys because i am equally as selfish. karma. other times i think i never really cared for any of the relationships but instead i cared about idea of being "together" with someone. a hopeless romantic.

in reality i was never "with" these people. i didn't turn to these people for support, i turned to myself. day in and day out. i still do.

they walked away from me faster than they came into my life which speaks thousands about their characters.

i never once needed them.

i truly am thankful for all the bad relationships simply because i am so much stronger. i am completely numb to people that don't appreciate me. i don't cry, i take it as a life lesson and move on.

each bad seed taught me that i settle too much. yes, i expect from people but everyone does. i expect because i know what i deserve and less is not it. all these guys were less and i never should have bargained, especially when my emotions were involved.

"you only get used when you leave room to be used"

Dance, Dance.

2008-07-26T16:32:00.001-07:00

Lady Gaga feat. Colby O'Donis & Akon - Just Dance.mp3

currently obsessed with this video.

Thank You Words.

2008-07-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i am no longer stressed out, angry, hurt or upset. it is safe to say i am back on solid ground. thanks to my writing.

goodbye hurt and despair.

Anthony David.

2008-07-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

Anthony David. A true musician and lyricist.

my track suggestions.

1. Anthony David feat. India Arie - Words
2. Anthony David feat. Keisha Jackson - Lady
3. Anthony David - Cheatin' Man
4. Anthony David - Believe Me

Time Heals Everything.

2008-07-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

it's been about 4 weeks since he walked away from us and for about 4 weeks i've been pretending i don't care. pretending that we weren't together long enough for him to break my heart. well, he did.

i just haven't admitted it to myself.

the only explanation for my "act" is that i've been rushing the moving on period because it was what everyone around me wanted. in reality i have not moved on but pushed the situation to the side.

i revisit the day he told me that we should just be friends. the words came through the phone and hit me like blows to the face. friends? i have enough friends. i was in shock.

4 weeks later and we aren't even on speaking terms. i think that bothers me the most. the fact that i'm not worth his time anymore but i had sacraficed so much of mine for him, for us.

readers don't be mistaken. i am still focused on my life and career goals but i am only human. my emotions are unexplainable. i am not hurting quite as much as i was a week after the separation but i do feel like he took a piece of me with him when he left.

its funny, i thought i was prepared for another relationship. all the ups and downs. honestly, you can never be prepared to fall for someone. i lost my better judgement with you and at the time i liked it, until it all crashed and burned. my second real heartbreak.

I've tried to hate him but honestly i don't. i refuse to be bitter towards the situation or hold a grudge. i just miss what we had. i know i wasn't with him for long but the time spent felt like a lifetime. breaking up might open the door to new opportunities but he still holds the title for most compatible until i truly move on. it might be another week, or a month. time will heal my wound. i just need to give myself time. the time i deserve.

"although i really love you, i am going to smile because i deserve to. it will all get better with time"
- Leona Lewis, Better With Time

Brother Blues.

2008-07-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

"why am i disrespected by someone i should call brother"
- Karina Pasian

a line from the song Sixteen At War. it is my favorite line of the entire track because it's the one line that really made me think.

there are lots of misconceptions about the word brother. most people think it is a word that is only used in the black community and for the most part that is true but i have always felt the word brother was a word that generalized men as a whole. white, black, spanish, asian.

every man is a potential "brother".

a man that is respected, a man with ambition, a man that will protect and provide, a man that understands and respects the importance of women to the society. a man that does nothing to make people question his status and masculinity. a real man.

these men usually say the phrase, "my mother raised me better than that" often.

that is where, Karina's line comes into the picture. boys are raised as brothers but when they become men they have the choice to abandon the unwritten brother code or continue to lead a respectable and honest life.

a life that does not involve degrading women.

honestly, i am yet to meet a brother. a man that is with me for all the right reasons, reasons other than sex. what has happened to the tradional male?

well media happened. video vixens. rappers that promote infidelity. porn. fiction.

gentlemen i have news for you all, ladies prefer "brothers". real men. we want a man that has it all together. a man that doesn't run away from his problems when the going gets tough.

i am patiently waiting to meet my "brother" and when i do i know i will be happier than i have been with non-brothers of my past.

Alter Ego.

2008-07-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

I think everyone has an alter ego. A person we wish we could be. A person with a naughty hidden talent or a secret fetish. A person with a aspiration or dream that doesn't fit your unfortunate stereotype (i say "unfortunate" because i hate the phrase "you fit the stereotype").

Alter egos are hidden in the darkest spaces of a person's mind because they have the ability to cause controversy with friends, family, co-workers but deep down most people want to let that person out.

and eventually they do.

i have reached that point. i want to abandon the good girl and really experience the world. do things i wouldn't normally do, but have been wanting to for a long time.

i think i have every right to feel this way. for my entire life i have maintained this image, the image that people have stuck me with, the good girl.

i didn't choose the image, it chose me. i am not a "good girl". i am justine, a growing and developing young women. the only difference was that i understood the importance of staying focused in school and taking care of business before i had fun. i guess, i got stereotyped just like everyone else in the world.

for so long i have wondered. what exactly is it to be a good girl?
well i've come up with tons of factors, that make me "good".

- i am nice to everyone.
- i like school
- i am parent approved
- i am focused on my future and rarely "stray" from my goals

yes, i am all of these things but i am so much more. i am truly sick and tired of being defined off of these few attributes. i am a teenager (soon to be 20). i like to have fun too.

i am tired of hearing people say "oh, justine wouldn't do that". oh, but i would and i want to and i will! i feel like people will never understand me, if they constantly speak for me (my mother does it all the time, she is president of the club).

i am going to shed the image. no, i don't mean hanging with the wrong crowd or sleeping around. i mean being less on the safe side and squeezing the juice out of my youth fruit tree. it is part of my huge change (the one i've been speaking about for the past few posts). i am going to live for the moment because i only have one, my life is that moment. with that said, i am going to start dating again. i am going to start clubbing with my friends more and simply enjoying my life without a care in the world. the party i threw last week definitely pushed me towards abandoning my stereotype wieght that i have carried since my elementary school days.

my birthday is coming. i am planning for a wonderful, crazy, spontaneous time. the perfect way to spend my 20th birthday. i can't wait. two weeks. a chance to be the "bad girl", i've been dying to be.

(perhaps getting my tattoo as a gift for myself? hm. i bet no one expected that one)

Not A Girl But Not Quite A Woman.

2008-07-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Girls want to control the man in their lives. Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex. Grown women know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.

Girls are afraid to be alone. Grown women revel in it-- using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls make you come. Grown women make you feel/think/grow.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their men. Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time and money. Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special

Girls think a guy crying is weak. Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and tell their man so. Grown women show him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his manhood.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection ignoring all signs. Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, doesn't always love you back -- and move on, without bitterness.

-Unknown

i'd like to thank Queen of my Castle for the great post on women versus girls.

Intruder Alert

2008-07-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

"She said there was no love in her heart,

cause one day a rapist attacked her and broke that all apart.

She said there was no way to fix it or to cover her scars.

Then one day a guy came along that probably could help her start.

He was sincere, made her believe it was safe for her to trust again,

before long she was cool with givin hugs to him.

Knew that it was right, cause somethin was wrong.

The alarms in her mind didn't tell her that he didn't belong

because there was no intruder alert"

Lupe Fans are probably familiar with the lyrics to this song. It is my favorite track off of The Cool album simply because it has the most meaning for me.

Video Bitches At My Wedding?

2008-07-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

sistah sommore. i was dying of laughter when i first saw this video. i had to to share.

Inspirational.

2008-07-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

change is necessary.

Time For Change.

2008-07-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

i have so much going on in my mind and i am so busy trying to help others that i don't bother to stop and think, i'm neglecting myself.

for the past week i have been at home just thinking. i really needed this alone time. it felt wonderful to just sort out all my tangled thoughts.

i've come to a bunch of new conclusions about my life and what needs to be changed or just removed. i even started a new routine where i pray at night (i find a different prayer to recite before i sleep and when i wake up). i am not religious but it is working wonders (and long overdue). i feel happier than i did about two weeks ago when i thought my world was coming to an end. for the sake of a boy? it is so unlike me.

thanks to this past week i feel like i can really have a new beginining because i am no longer doubting myself.

i have wonderful people in my life. my friends and family. people that will support me no matter what i choose to do.

i can't believe i truly let myself take my anger out on them. i apologize and i love you all.

i AM a talented and intelligent young woman. i never used to think that way about myself but now i do. i am completely capable of being successful in the world of writing or any career for that matter.

i have even taken a little iniative and started preparing for my junior year of college. i am currently searching for magazines i can intern with, or prestigious blogs i can write for.

side note: i am also in the process of finding ways to get more feed back on my two current blogs, feel free to make suggestions

life is exactly where i want it to be. it has always been but i just lost sight of my goals because i became "sidetracked". a few bumps in my road of life but i am back on track. i have re-evaluated myself and changed my negative attitude.

because if i don't support myself, who will?

Little Ol' Jackie.

2008-07-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

little jackie - the world should revolve around me.mp3

"my man just left me, what do you know
easy come, easy go
he came out of the blue and went right back into it"

"i'm an endangered species and these types of flowers don't grow on earth"

i was convinced the song was great once i heard these two lines. i adore the confidence of the song. its the perfect pick-me-up song. i think every female thinks this way after a break up. i certainly do! ha.

my ex got his name all over this song dedication.

side note: i just love how Rosie Perez is in the video.

Confession.

2008-07-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

i have a confession to make. i am obsessed with disco music.

yes, its true. ever since i was about 4 years old i have been obsessed with disco music. when i was in elementary school my mom would make saturday night disco night. she would turn on 103.5 KTU (the old school station for all you non-new yorkers/jersey residers) and she would teach my younger sister and myself how to hustle. i am probably one of the only 19 year olds that knows how to hustle equally as good as i can do the two step.

side note: on weekdays i would force my little sister to practice dancing the hustle, ha.

i don't know what it is about disco music but i am in love with it. i will probably have disco/freestyle music at my wedding.

i am convinced i was a disco queen in a past life. hustling in studio 54 right beside my mother.

Sixteen At War.

2008-07-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Karina Pasian - Sixteen At War.mp3

i fell in love with this video the first time i saw it. the message behind the song is powerful.

respect yourself or no one else will.

Nothing Like Monae.

2008-07-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

i have to admit, i didn't get into Janelle Monae when i first heard she signed on with Bad Boy a few months back but i downloaded a few songs recently and fell in love with her music. she is original.

i am hoping Diddy keeps her around. definitely a good look for his record label.

Jazmine Sullivan.

2008-07-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

i posted this video on my tumblr and thought i'd share it with my blogspot family as well.

Jazmine Sullivan - I Need You Bad.mp3

the video is equally as lovely as the song.

The Way That I Love You.

2008-07-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

MEME Rules:
1. put your itunes/ music player on shuffle
2. for each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT. After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!
(i will not be tagging anyone but feel free to try this out, its fun!)

Questions

if someone says "is this okay?, you say?
Lil Wayne - All Alone.mp3

what would best describe your personality?
Al Green - Lets Stay Together.mp3

what do you like in a guy/girl?
Q-tip - Breathe and Stop.mp3
(haha, what?)

how do you feel today?
erick sermin feat. marvin gaye - just like music.mp3

what is your life's purpose?
fall out boy - the carpal tunnel of love.mp3

what is your motto?
john mayer - any given thursday.mp3

what do your friends think of you?
dequite - chica mala.mp3
(lmfao! dique)

what do you think of your parents?
busta rhymes - everybody rise.mp3
(okay? ha)

what do you think about very often?
dwele - weekend love.mp3
(i do?)

what is 2+2?
amerie - can't let go.mp3
(what?)

what do you think of your best friend?
lil wayne - tha mobb.mp3
(why is this actually the perfect song for her/him)

what do you think of the person you like?
fall out boy - a little less sixteen candles, a little more touch me.mp3
(haha okay?)

what is your life story?
3LW - I Do.mp3
(i suppose)

what do you want to be when you grow up?
Masta Ace - Nostalgia.mp3

what do you think when you see the person you like?
Linkin Park - Easier To Run.mp3
(lmfao, most likely it is)

what do your parents think of you?
Lil Wayne - I Feel Like Dying.mp3
(haha probably a sign i need to find an apartment soon?)

what will you dance to at your wedding?
Maroon 5 - The Sun.mp3

what will they play at your funeral?
Jewel - Down So Long.mp3
(it is actually a really pretty song to have at a funeral)

what is your hobby/interest?
Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child.mp3
(what the hell? not really haha)

what is your biggest secret?
notorious big - victory.mp3

what do you think of your friends?
wyclef jean feat. lil wayne - sweetest girl.mp3

what should you post this as?
ashanti - the way that i love you.mp3
(of course it would be a stupid love song)

Mr. White.

2008-07-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

brian white is my ideal man. you might recognize him from his role in Stomp the Yard.

he is passionate about his career as an actor and he understands the importance of building and maintaining a relationship with God. White has faith and ambition. two of the most attractive traits a man can have.

Music To My Ears (Edited).

2008-07-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

(i decided to re-do "the seven" songs list because i realized how sugarcoated the last list was.)

1. Musiq Soulchild - HalfCrazy.mp3
every time i hear this track i can't help but think of my ex boyfriend because the lyrics describe exactly how i feel for him and the friendship that i miss.

"never thought that we would be more than friends

now i'm all confused because for you i have deeper feelings

we both thought it was cool to cross the line and i was convinced it would be alright

now things are strange, nothing is the same and really i just want my friend back"

2. Amerie - Paint Me Over.mp3

my last relationship left me feeling like i had lost a part of myself because i had given up so much for the sake of "us". i listen to this song daily to remind myself that things happen for a reason and despite the fact that i still care, i have to look out for my best interest and maintain my strength.

"i close my eyes and memorize the girl that i was before there was us"

3. Musiq Soulchild - Where You Are (Is Where I Wanna Be).mp3

its funny how listening to a song can really make you miss a person. i get that feeling with this track.

"being apart got the best of me

and i know that in life there are no guarantees

please say that you still got love for me because i am missing home"

4. Lauryn Hill - I Get Out.mp3

powerful song with a powerful message.

"you just want to use me

you say love then abuse me"

5. Ashanti - Scared.mp3

exactly how i feel when it comes to meeting new guys that say they are nothing like the rest.

"got me afraid to let my heart go"

6. Dwele - Open Your Eyes.mp3

beautiful remake of the original. i had it dedicated to me by my exboyfriend and ever since then i've been madly in love with the song. particularly this version.

"open your eyes

you may never find a love thats right"

7. Donell Jones - My Apology.mp3

I really love "The Journey of A Gemini" album.

We Just Want To Dance.

2008-07-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

NERD feat. Santogold & J - My Drive Thru

Seeing Sounds is the album of summer 2008, hands down.
(Santogold i love you a little more for this track)

Don't Get Comfy.

2008-07-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

"if you want to leave, be my guest. you can step"

Honestly Lil Wayne, can you be any more of a asshole?
Only benefit to this song is the fact that Babyface is on the track.

Why Would You Lie About Anything At All?

2008-07-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma.

definitely my favorite band of the summer.

Bon Jour Belle.

2008-07-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

Secret Diary of A Call Girl tonight at 10:30pm on Showtime.

the show follows the true story of a upper class european prostitute. i don't like watching television but this show sparked my interest. apparently the real "Belle" started a blog where she shared all her sexual escapades as a "call girl", the blog became succesful which then led to the production of the show.

End Of The Road Is Easy For A Man.

2008-07-07T12:39:00.001-07:00

"people say everything happens for a reason. these people are usually women, and these women are usually sorting through a break-up. it seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a 'goodbye', but apparently, women have to either get married or learn something."
- Carrie Bradshaw

Men can get out of a relationship without the slightest bit of emotional scarring. Well most men.

Women have to deal with the questions. Questions that occassionally go unanswered. The why and the how.

Most females are familiar with this feeling. The feeling of being "left" without a clear or valid reason. Night after night beating yourself up because you have no one to blame. No way of releasing your anger because the one person you can express your hurt to has turned thier back on the relationship completely.

How would i know? Well, I have been in that position more than once. It's stressful.

The more i go through it the more i am realizing that its not only me but every female. Why is it we have to be the ones to hurt?

"how can love escape your grasp without ever letting go?"
- Musiq Soulchild

Hand Job? No Hancock.

2008-07-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

i went to go see the movie Hancock. yes, yet another super hero film that i fell in love with. Will Smith & Charlize Theron did an incredible job. No suprise there.

Definitely a film i suggest everyone go see.
Apparently this summer is the summer for superheros & villains. ha.

Promoting Sex Never Sounded So Good.

2008-07-06T00:41:00.000-07:00

i have been in love with Yung Berg's song The Business featuring Casha since it first came on the radio. catchy if you ask me.

here is the video. enjoy.

Brotha I Got News For You.

2008-07-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am tired of hearing people complain about how hard things are for them.

Life is hard. Life is fucked up. Life is a bitch. No matter how you put it, life is not easy. There are bumps and hurdles that we as people have to get past. Just like you have problems and troubles, so do i.

Life is all of these negative things but life goes on. the world isn't against you. you can only be against yourself. remain strong for you and you only then maybe life will be more of a learning experience rather than a burden.

Double Threat

2008-07-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

introducing the latest additions to my blog roll.

Nana Castro

Rissa

enter the mind of two strong females.
(click the name below the picture to visit blog)

10 Ways To Avoid Trouble In Paradise

2008-07-01T17:27:00.001-07:00

For those of you that have kept up with my blog know i have no shame saying what i have to say especially when it comes to romance. I have seen and heard it all. For the first time i am actually trying to take sides with the male perspective. My last relationship definitely taught me how to do that and based on my own personal mistakes here are 10 things you should not do if your "involved". Ladies we can get a little crazy at times (not always but sometimes) so take notes and try not to get mad at me for this post.

1. It's Only The Internet
myspace and facebook can be the source of every couples fustration. trust me i know. try not to let the "groupies" get to you. remember he chose to be with you and not the girl on the other side of the computer screen. if it really bothers you casually bring it up and don't jump to conclusions.

2. Don't Snoop
if you assume the worst, the worst is what you'll find. if you think homeboy is cheating let the facts come to you. they don't say patience is a virtue for nothing. do not snoop. i repeat do not snoop. a simple email from a co-worker or friend might lead to "he cheated" when it could really just be a casual conversation.

3. Keep The Past In The Past.
i know this one is difficult for the ladies that have been through alot when it comes to the opposite sex but most people don't go out their way for just anyone especially guys. if he is a gentlemen and treats you with respect then he most likely cares for you the way he says he does. i honestly don't think 112 made the song Cupid for their health. try not to bring up the past and compare. let time tell and just live for the moment.

4. Remain Calm At All Costs.
as hard as it is to keep your calm when you are angry at your significant other, never abandon your place as a lady. stay calm. evaluate the situation. use logic. screaming and nagging only makes the guy block you out. how can he listen to someone that is assuming the worst (i mean anyone would hate that).

5. Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venice
men and women are completely different. a women is more emotional and that is a fact. men on the other hand are emotional but usually keep it to themselves and don't show it as much, of course they don't want to abandon their masculinity (NO HOMO? lol). Keep that in mind. What you might find to be the biggest deal in the world might be insignificant to your guy. Don't turn litle mistakes into big deals. People make mistakes. Don't cry.

6. Let Him Do His Thang
you have to let your guy live life. he can't be with you 24/7. It gets boring. If he wants to go out with his friends let him. you let him in your life so you should have enough trust in him to let him go out. do the same ladies and you will feel less stressed. he had a life before you so let him do what he usually does (except if its unhealthy or unsafe, ha). remember he comes home to you.

7. Friendship to Foe Is A No, No
if you were friends with your boyfriend before he wifed you try not to think about his old ways. he obviously felt the need to let you know in the first place. the past is the past like i said, so keep it there. he likes you!

8. Sex On The Brain?
yes guys think about sex alot and 90% of the time they have it on the brain but they do have the other 10% working and functioning. sex is not everything to them. they feel too and have emotions and want a female with depth and personality. stop thinking he is with you for the pussy. a real guy will tell you straight up if thats what he wants and if he stays around after the deed then that says thousands. it means even more if he's willing to wait. do not take that for granted especially it today's society.

9. Never Be Rude To His Dudes.
if you feel angry with your significant other in a social event that involves his circle of friends do not take it out on them. do not blame his friends for his behavior. always be respectful of the people in his life. guys like it when you get along with their friends. do you really want to be known as the bitch girlfriend. yes guys talk, they will fear you and not want you around. you do not want that.

10. Be Confident, Not Petty.
don't doubt yourself. even if your boyfriend is the hottest thing under the sun. he chose you dear. he wants your mind, body and soul. who cares what other girls think about you two. you have him, and thats all that matters. never put yourself down. it only lets the outsiders win. shine on and know your beautiful.

11. He Said She Said
do not listen to your friends and their opinions on your boyfriend. you chose him. you kiss him, sex him, whatever. if you let outside people influence your relationship you will lose that connection with him. guys hate when your friends have shit to say. yes, sometimes its pure shit. go with your heart. the relationship you have built is YOURS and not your friends'. keep stuff to yourself if you have to.
its not called your personal life for nothing.
(threw the 11th one in for fun)

Karma, You Know Her? The Bitch.

2008-07-01T17:10:00.001-07:00

"never underestimate the ones you scar because karma karma karma comes back to you hard."
- Lauryn Hill

Santo You Are No Santo.

2008-07-01T11:15:00.001-07:00

meet me at central park for some good ol' santogold loving, july 20th.

a free.99 concert.

I Can Curve A Bullet.

2008-07-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

the Wanted is amazing! The first five minutes of it i was hooked. It is funny, sexy and has tons of action. went to see it with the exboyfriend (yes its true, i hold no grudge). It is definitely a must see.

Ever Feel Like

2008-06-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

your doing something that could potentially be the worst idea ever?

yes i'm having one of those moments.
but being the freespirited person i am. i don't really care. its better to see what happens than wonder could have happened.

life is about mistake(s). if i'm about to make another one. so be it.

hm. today what do you hold?

movies with...

Trust, Sorry You Can't Afford It.

2008-06-30T10:41:00.001-07:00

the truth in three words TRUST NO BITCH. best dimepiece advertisment, hands down.

The Truth Is In A Cookie?

2008-06-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

best fortune cookie i have ever opened throughout my nineteen years of life. i keep it in my wallet and plan on laminating it (at work, shh).

i was also inspired by 4Five's beautiful away message this morning.

"live life everyday. to the extent even when you seem to be at your lowest continue smiling you'll survive. even if its by yourself"

The Rhythm To My Blues.

2008-06-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

despite all the bad that is happening now. i must say having the song The Light dedicated to me was probably the sweetest thing i've ever known and it will not be forgotten.

She On That Coke Diet.

2008-06-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

despite all the terrible press lindsay gets, i realy like her as an actress and think she is one of the best dressed females of hollywood.

more power to her for that.

I Got A Story To Tell

2008-06-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

Relationships? I hate them. Why? Being a female living in New York City I know that every guy is completely full of shit or making promises they can only keep for a certain amount of time. Nothing lasts forever and people change. Fine. But i really wish guys came with some type of warning label.

Recently i just got out of a relationship (it only reminded me how much i hate them).

We had gotten to know each other for a little over two months, March & April. He was with someone at the time but i didn't think anything of it because as far as i knew he was my friend, from day one. I would give him advice and just talk to him whenever he called. He was definitely a great guy and we had lots in common.

I had NO intentions of talking to him in any type of romantic way because breaking up a happy home isn't cute in any way shape or form.

Things started getting shakey between him and the girl he had been seeing for four years. One thing led to another and they broke up because she lied and got caught. Of course he let me know, but in my mind he was still my friend and nothing more (despite the sexual tension and flirting). a week into may i finally decided to hang out with him, i had no idea we were going on a official date until he paid. Things went well and we decided to make a second date the next day, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I know what your thinking, YOUR A REBOUND but he was certain it wasn't like that at all. I even overlooked the fact that he was two years younger than me (which is completely against everything i have lived by when it comes to dating). We got closer and closer and eventually i was meeting his mom, his "circle", and co-workers. Everything was going by so fast i couldn't stop to think but i just went along with the flow despite my doubt and lack of trust for him. All he wanted was my trust so i had to push all the nonsense to the side, now i realize it wasn't nonsense at all.

Things went well for awhile and then i started to get all these type of wierd friend requests and IMs. You know the nosey people that try to create drama. Mind you i had not gotten things like that until i started to date him. First few i ignored but then i they started to get vicious. I was completely stressed out and i felt like the happiness i should be feeling in a relationship that was so young, i wasn't. I was hurting and he didn't seem to give two fucks. Who knows if he did, he never told me anything.

He was so secretive. Wouldn't let me look through his camera or his phone.

Even then, i stayed. My friends warned me about him but i didn't listen because i thought what was going on was part of a relationship. I hadn't dated in so long, i forgot. I was hurting day in and day out and slowly things started to change. He didn't call as much and he was distant but no matter what i was there for him supporting. I argued here and there but it was only because i didn't seem to get through when i spoke to him. It was like talking to a wall. No reaction. Did he care about anything? And if he did, he wasn't acting like i was one of those things he cared for. I went days without speaking to him at all yet i claimed him as my boyfriend?

I started to realize arguing wasn't solving anything. Instead i just "let it rock". He called, he called. He didn't, he didn't. We still hung out and just enjoyed each others company which was undeniable. Soon he got a new job at a golf club and his stress level was higher. We stayed together but things got harder for me. I was completely neglected. He worked double shifts and i was left in the sidelines. Breaking up became a topic that kept coming up and eventually it became a reality. We broke up so he could focus. I was crushed. How could he turn his back on the me when i ahd done nothing but support him, his family, his life. I did nothing but respect him and felt abandoned.

I blame the fact that i gave so much. I gave so much too soon because i wanted to feel cared about. He cared in the begining i don't doubt that but things changed once i started to feel the "relationship pressure". Now i am left with nothing. For days i tried to figure out what went wrong and why we couldn't work it out.
It was only a job. Tons of couples have relationships and work two and three jobs. I am yet to know the answer. I think it was just an excuse to get away. The route a "boy" would take.

I may never know whats going on in his mind but i'm done trying to figure it out when i know the worst thing that i had done was be a girlfriend. I wasn't his friend anymore. I wasn't his homie and he forgot that some where along the lines.

Yes! i am angry because i let you in when i had worked so hard to build my guard. I let you meet my mother for god sakes. I don't let any guy meet anyone significant in my life and you did, but you just left me to feel stupid in front of so many people that i went against for you. i went against people i respected, for you.

Now i truly understand why they say NEVER mix love and friendship. I was a good person throughout and i refuse to doubt my character for someone that drained so much of me from myself.

I am not here to bash him because i still think he is an amazing kid but that was all he was, a kid. I am at a whole different level of life than he is. College and adulthood. Making decisions that determine the rest of my life while he is just dealing with getting out of high school. He looked older but it did not make up for his actual age, he is eighteen and eighteen is how he behaved.

He was looking for fun and i was looking for commitment. A guy that could support me if we stayed together long enough. He was not that guy.

He dealt with alot (yes i admit that) but so did I. At times i miss the little things like hand holding and just laying around with him but i realize that in the long run they would have done nothing for me. I'm glad it ended now before i really got heart broken. I wish him the best because he is incredibly talented.

I'm positive HE will come across this blog and honestly i am glad he will because at least then he can read how i feel all at once rather than hear it in bits and pieces.
I trust i won't be in a relationship for a good long time because perhaps i'm not ready for one quite yet and i am definitely okay with that especially after my learning experience. I had fun while it lasted.

With that said, i vow to never speak of this again. If we become friends again, fine. If not, thats just the way the cookie crumbles.

Its hard to let go and i may never completely get over the one kid i set aside all my morals for but all i can do is pray for a better tomorrow.

You'll leave my dreams soon enough.

True Life: I Love Lil' Wayne

2008-06-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

& your frontin' if you say you don't.

Hey Dey.

2008-06-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was on the edge about The Dey but i'm really starting to like them.
They are something different for the mainstream, a good different.

I downloaded a few of their tracks and can't stop listening to them. Personal favs are And I Miss You & I Need You (their latest single)

Since You've Been Gone.

2008-06-28T10:31:00.001-07:00

Day 26 dropped a new single, Since You've Been Gone. I love.

"since you've been gone i just can't seem to get by"
if only life was like an R&B music video where the ending is happy.

To Pimp or Not To Pimp.

2008-06-28T10:25:00.001-07:00

new reality tv show hosted by Jamie Foxx features men that get all they want with the ladies but what happens when they are forced to change from pimps to gentlemen.

i hate, hate, hate reality tv but i really want to see what Jamie can do because lord knows changing a man is probably one of the top ten most difficult tasks of life. Take my word on that.

Solemate.

2008-06-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate when you go to the city and all the good sneaker stores are predominantly for men?

Here is a video of two Chicago journalists and their take on the sneaker culture from a women's perspective.

Having tons of male friends i can truly relate.

Next trip to Chicago, i'm going to "Solemate".

I See London, I See France.

2008-06-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Lauren London, why exactly are you famous? Eh, your still beautiful. I want your hair or shall i say hair stylist ha.

Must Be Obvious.

2008-06-25T14:45:00.001-07:00

that i'm not being myself. i guess i need a break. i will be back when i'm done sorting things out.

whenever that is.

New New New.

2008-06-23T19:08:00.001-07:00

new pussycat doll video for when i grow up. well new to me, ha.
i love it

cute as always.

Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwiches.

2008-06-23T11:59:00.001-07:00

are good but bring back memories, beautiful memories.

memory: "you like peanut butter and banana sandwiches too!?"

me:"yes"

memory:"will you marry me?"

do you take that back? my answer is yes.

I Believe The Signs, Sometimes.

2008-06-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

i wonder if astrology is real. I've been reading mine daily. i guess with all this negativity its nice to read some good news even if it's coming from the stars but is it stupid for people to base their life around something that could be an imaginary? something that's based on a belief. its always nice to believe something. that there is more to life than what is.

Leo, The Lion.

Don't fly off the handle due to any shocking news that might come your way, today -- you might be only getting part of the story, so it's very unwise to connect the few dots you've been given. Wait for this story to develop more fully over the next few days. You will probably see that not only are things more complicated than you had heard, they're also none of your business. Making assumptions will only lead to problems. So when you get that email or text, just hit 'delete' and move on.

My horscope for the day. I wonder.
It's strange when you read things that are so close to your current situation. I guess i'll have to believe the stars with this one.

How I Feel

2008-06-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

Wife, Woman, Friend. There Is A Difference Ladies

2008-06-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

"but i couldn't shake him he was like a bad habit and all this for a nigga that was just average doing average nigga shit like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his dick but i must admit i was the one that wanted to commit so either i wasn't living up to my potential or i was just the average chick."

Makes Me Laugh Everytime

2008-06-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

ouch. (not the fall but the burn of embarrassment ha)

Brighter Note.

2008-06-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

i created my second blog. it is all pretty thanks to my lovely friend Justin

and feel free to "follow me" if you are a tumblr user too.

justinesamantha.tumblr.com

Enjoy.

Scratch That

2008-06-21T08:45:00.001-07:00

Parting with something you care about is probably the most difficult task of life.

No, life isn't meant to be easy but neither is loss. Time heals everything. Right?

I am a mixture of all these emotions. I can't control them like i once used to. I hate to show that i've lost control but i have.

I am angry but not at you. at myself. I am fustrated because i can't seem to get you to sit down for a moment and just talk to me. Your busy with your amazing new job, i understand. i am sad because i feel like all i did for you and all the people i met in your life was simply time wasted. I am missing you because nothing is the same. Why can't we just go back to where we started?

I go to sleep hoping to wake up from this dream but i never do. I wake up at 7 am, 8 am, 9 am because i can't seem to sleep peacefully. Someone tell me when this terrible feeling will fade? i'm dying to know.

Album of the Moment: Just Like You by the Lovely Keyshia Cole

As Of Lately

2008-06-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling different. A good different.

i used to dwell on things because i was afraid of getting hurt. i constantly overanalyzed situations and only stressed myself out.

no one was hurting me, i was hurting myself.

now i am learning to go with the flow and just let things take their course.

life is way more beautiful.

i am happier. finally.

Game I Feel Yo' Pain.

2008-06-14T12:44:00.001-07:00

I must! Because i was in the room acting like Keyshia Cole. There is just something abou this song that makes me want to listen to it over and over and just head out to Cali-for-Nia.

"paying homage because you paved the way for me"

On The Air.

2008-06-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

why does the radio always play the same songs like 100 times throughout the day. Shouldn't the radio put me on to new music rather than make me want to never listen to certain songs again.

Let me show you a list of songs i never want to hear again:

1. Bust It Baby
2. A Millie
3. Lollipop
4. Heaven Sent

good day.

He's Just Not That Into You

2008-06-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

i need to see this movie thanks to Samantha Marie's Blog

based on the book. i love the first scene of this trailer, maybe because it reminds me of myself. ugh.

Lights, No Camera, So Much Action! Ugh.

2008-06-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

i need a motherfudgin' camera. DAMNIT.

Chrisette Oh Chrisette.

2008-06-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

I peeped this song, Love is You on VH1 soul and instantly fell in love. You might recognize Chrisette Michele from Nas' track Can't Forget About You

great song for a unique voice.

Trust.

2008-06-12T05:56:00.001-07:00

I have let go of my trust issues. I've probably said this one time too many but i am slowly seeing why i should. Trust is a luxury but i also don't want to be afraid to hand it out to the point that i am ruining the best thing that have happened to me.

050908

Bitch I Taught Him.

2008-06-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

word.

"i'm actually glad to hear it from the lips that left lipstick on my mans collar"

When Your Bored Just Youtube.

2008-06-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

haha. i can relate.

I Am Looking For An Internship

2008-06-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Any suggestions please make them.

Magazine Internship or a Newspaper Internship.

thanks.

Guns, Gats & Music.

2008-06-04T13:13:00.001-07:00

4fifth Mixtape

Ill mixtape by my pal 4five from DefbyAssociation.com
buy something. definitely worth it.

Reality Goes To Hollywood.

2008-06-04T11:59:00.001-07:00

Yes i watch Real World Hollywood every Wednesday. Why? because suprisingly this show is really captivating and Greg makes me crack up every episode. I hope he doesn't get booted off the show on tonite's episode.

Busta Bust.

2008-06-04T09:49:00.001-07:00

Date Date Date

2008-06-03T08:06:00.001-07:00

Here is the latest Crystal Castles video Courtship Dating. Enjoy motherfuckers.