I Got A Story To Tell

Relationships? I hate them. Why? Being a female living in New York City I know that every guy is completely full of shit or making promises they can only keep for a certain amount of time. Nothing lasts forever and people change. Fine. But i really wish guys came with some type of warning label.

Recently i just got out of a relationship (it only reminded me how much i hate them).

We had gotten to know each other for a little over two months, March & April. He was with someone at the time but i didn't think anything of it because as far as i knew he was my friend, from day one. I would give him advice and just talk to him whenever he called. He was definitely a great guy and we had lots in common.

I had NO intentions of talking to him in any type of romantic way because breaking up a happy home isn't cute in any way shape or form.

Things started getting shakey between him and the girl he had been seeing for four years. One thing led to another and they broke up because she lied and got caught. Of course he let me know, but in my mind he was still my friend and nothing more (despite the sexual tension and flirting). a week into may i finally decided to hang out with him, i had no idea we were going on a official date until he paid. Things went well and we decided to make a second date the next day, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I know what your thinking, YOUR A REBOUND but he was certain it wasn't like that at all. I even overlooked the fact that he was two years younger than me (which is completely against everything i have lived by when it comes to dating). We got closer and closer and eventually i was meeting his mom, his "circle", and co-workers. Everything was going by so fast i couldn't stop to think but i just went along with the flow despite my doubt and lack of trust for him. All he wanted was my trust so i had to push all the nonsense to the side, now i realize it wasn't nonsense at all.

Things went well for awhile and then i started to get all these type of wierd friend requests and IMs. You know the nosey people that try to create drama. Mind you i had not gotten things like that until i started to date him. First few i ignored but then i they started to get vicious. I was completely stressed out and i felt like the happiness i should be feeling in a relationship that was so young, i wasn't. I was hurting and he didn't seem to give two fucks. Who knows if he did, he never told me anything.

He was so secretive. Wouldn't let me look through his camera or his phone.

Even then, i stayed. My friends warned me about him but i didn't listen because i thought what was going on was part of a relationship. I hadn't dated in so long, i forgot. I was hurting day in and day out and slowly things started to change. He didn't call as much and he was distant but no matter what i was there for him supporting. I argued here and there but it was only because i didn't seem to get through when i spoke to him. It was like talking to a wall. No reaction. Did he care about anything? And if he did, he wasn't acting like i was one of those things he cared for. I went days without speaking to him at all yet i claimed him as my boyfriend?

I started to realize arguing wasn't solving anything. Instead i just "let it rock". He called, he called. He didn't, he didn't. We still hung out and just enjoyed each others company which was undeniable. Soon he got a new job at a golf club and his stress level was higher. We stayed together but things got harder for me. I was completely neglected. He worked double shifts and i was left in the sidelines. Breaking up became a topic that kept coming up and eventually it became a reality. We broke up so he could focus. I was crushed. How could he turn his back on the me when i ahd done nothing but support him, his family, his life. I did nothing but respect him and felt abandoned.

I blame the fact that i gave so much. I gave so much too soon because i wanted to feel cared about. He cared in the begining i don't doubt that but things changed once i started to feel the "relationship pressure". Now i am left with nothing. For days i tried to figure out what went wrong and why we couldn't work it out.
It was only a job. Tons of couples have relationships and work two and three jobs. I am yet to know the answer. I think it was just an excuse to get away. The route a "boy" would take.

I may never know whats going on in his mind but i'm done trying to figure it out when i know the worst thing that i had done was be a girlfriend. I wasn't his friend anymore. I wasn't his homie and he forgot that some where along the lines.

Yes! i am angry because i let you in when i had worked so hard to build my guard. I let you meet my mother for god sakes. I don't let any guy meet anyone significant in my life and you did, but you just left me to feel stupid in front of so many people that i went against for you. i went against people i respected, for you.

Now i truly understand why they say NEVER mix love and friendship. I was a good person throughout and i refuse to doubt my character for someone that drained so much of me from myself.

I am not here to bash him because i still think he is an amazing kid but that was all he was, a kid. I am at a whole different level of life than he is. College and adulthood. Making decisions that determine the rest of my life while he is just dealing with getting out of high school. He looked older but it did not make up for his actual age, he is eighteen and eighteen is how he behaved.

He was looking for fun and i was looking for commitment. A guy that could support me if we stayed together long enough. He was not that guy.

He dealt with alot (yes i admit that) but so did I. At times i miss the little things like hand holding and just laying around with him but i realize that in the long run they would have done nothing for me. I'm glad it ended now before i really got heart broken. I wish him the best because he is incredibly talented.


I'm positive HE will come across this blog and honestly i am glad he will because at least then he can read how i feel all at once rather than hear it in bits and pieces.
I trust i won't be in a relationship for a good long time because perhaps i'm not ready for one quite yet and i am definitely okay with that especially after my learning experience. I had fun while it lasted.

With that said, i vow to never speak of this again. If we become friends again, fine. If not, thats just the way the cookie crumbles.

Its hard to let go and i may never completely get over the one kid i set aside all my morals for but all i can do is pray for a better tomorrow.

You'll leave my dreams soon enough.