Saturday, August 30, 2008

Illa Life

Illa Life, fresh urban wear coming to you directly from the creative mind of my friend Illa. If you don't know her, well now you do.

I look foward to the printing of these shirts but for now a sneak preview for everyone. enjoy and make sure you go on www.myspace.com/illa_life and check her work out. its worth your friend request.



comes in various colors

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Life Is A Book, I'll Start Mine Now.

I've decided to start a book. I don't plan on publishing it. I just want to write a book. Simple as that.

feel free to read my random chapter posts via my tumblr blog.

i came up with a great book title if i might add, STUMBLING THROUGH LIFE, TRIPPING FOR LOVE.

Believe In Me.



Lenny ♥

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bad Boy Syndrome.

why is it that i find myself attracted to boys that are obviously going to hurt me? it must be their charm because i keep finding myself with the same sweet talking types. the type that go by thier own rules and could give a fuck what anyone thinks. i don't know what makes these guys so appealing, i blame my bad boy syndrome.

i've been suffering from it for my entire dating career. i wonder am i passing up nice and genuine guys when i spend my valuable time with these losers. yes, its possible that every bad boy isn't necessarily a dead beat but from what i've experienced, they can only be held down for a certain amount of time unless you have them whipped (which is pretty much impossible).

i've made lists of guys that i would find attractive and they either had tattoos or piercings, did graffitiy or some type of extreme sport. none of them simply liked to relax at home and read a book. ironically, that is what i enjoy which speaks thousands in itself.

i hope there is a cure to my syndrome because i need a quick fix. i can see my romantic past repeating itself if i don't give other guys an opportunity. I should start but can i really leave the bad boy phase behind me?

i don't think i want to quite yet. haha.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Saving Your Trust?

Living in a world where people lie and hold back the truth its hard to decide who really has your best interest at heart and who is worth your trust. Can you hand your emotions over with the security of knowing they won't be dropped like a bad habit?

I think everyone goes into relationships fearing letting go of their trust

I used to be someone that trusted no one but i find that it can be more self destructive than helpful. Life has struggles and people will disappoint you. How can you expect to find what your looking for, whether it be friendship or love if your holding everything back. Don't get me wrong, its good to protect your emotions but don't overprotect to the point that no one has the opportunity to understand you other than yourself.

Trust is really all about having good judgement, good timing and patience.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Garbage Today, Memory Tomorrow.

About a week ago i threw away the bag of things that represented the relationship i had with him.

I felt no personal connection to the bag. Nope, not even the slightest bit of remorse. It was just garbage for the garbage man to pick up the next morning. It was in that moment that i realized i was finally letting go of the entire situation.

Its true what they say, time heals everything.

When we first broke up, i was devistated and about two weeks later i became extremely bitter. i wanted to hold on to that bag the same way i wanted to hold on to "us". The bag represented us and what i wanted back so badly.

I never got it back. The bag is gone. I'm okay. I've let it all go.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Groove To Amel.



Amel Larrieux, my kind of singer. You might recognize Amel from the group Groove Theroy.

If your into singers like Sade, you will love Amel.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Vashtie Interview.



i truly admire this woman. i'll say it over and over. definitely looking foward to her clothing line.

The Hills Return.



Am I the only one excited for the series premiere of The Hills? Three Days, Three Days! I've been a dedicated fan and i think many of you watch it on the hush, hush.

Higher Learning.



Higher Learning, great movie that touches the sensitive subject of discrimination. Filmed in 1995. The film gives a great idea of what hatred can lead to when it meets a learning enviroment and why people should really come together rather than divide and seperate themselves into groups based off differences and stereotypes. I've seen it about five times and it still manages to make me cry everytime. Highly suggested movie. Starring well-knowns like Ice Cube and Tyra Banks (to name a few).

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Life After The Hurt Is Bittersweet.

life is really starting to fall back into place. despite some of the unfortunate situations that happened over the past few weeks, i'm comfortable with the outcomes.

i'm comfortable with where i stand as a person.

of course i will wish that things turned out differently with certain friends and ex boyfriends but i can't change fate. i don't want to.

i am well aware of my faults, yet i know where my good heart shined through. i can't sit here any longer and find ways to fix what can not be repaired.

if i continue to hang on to the nothing i've been hanging on to, i'll never live life. yes, i'd love to hear an apology from the people i called best friends and of course i want to know what he's thinking but ultimately it may never happen.

i've learned alot over this summer and somewhere in between the tears and arguments i got stronger.

i'm hopeful. i'm truly hopeful.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Death Of Him.

I can't sleep. Its 2:10 am and i'm sitting here trying my best not to cry.

It hurts when someone you thought you knew turns out to be a fraud. Yes, thats what he is a fucking fraud. A con. A bullshit artist.

You put me through some ridiculous shit while we were together and the nerve of you to come at me like i did something wrong? Lets see, in between traveling two hours to get your birthday gift, helping your mom at work while simultaneously working my hardest to keep you happy tell me where exactly i fucked up?

Tonight i realized what i've been denying.

Your just a kid. Constantly running away from your problems.

Yes, i'm dramatic. I know that and you knew that too. I told you every single flaw i posessed because i knew it was important to the relationship. I gave up my beliefs all for this "so-called relationship" but you never once noticed. Perhaps if you weren't so busy trying to get in my pants you'd have heard me, you would have understood. Grow up. Running away from your issues won't solve anything (consider this a lesson in not only relationships but life). You had the ability to love me but chose an easier route. A route with someone that is "less dramatic".

Sounds like a boring female to me.

Thanks to you i can barely carry a conversation with other guys because i'm scared i'll end up having wasted my time. End up used, and hurt with nothing to show for.

Someday you'll realize where you fucked up. I won't be around when that happens. i could give a shit about what you say behind my back. it only proves why your no longer worth my thought or energy.

i am determined to bury your memory.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Just A Moment.



Rest In Peace Bernie Mac, legendary comedian.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Love The Hard Way

Jack: You're finished with me right?
Claire: [nods no]
Jack: Not the man you'd hoped I'd be?
Claire: [nods yes]
Jack: It's better this way, ok? Now stop crying, I don't deserve your tears.
Claire: You've been lying to me from the start haven't you?
Jack: Look I just wanted to fuck you, that's all it was.
Claire: When you said you loved me was that a lie too? Nothing was true. Just lies, just fucking lies.
Jack: Look I don't love anyone Claire, and you're hurt cause the love story that you made up for yourself fell apart, and it's all in your mind.
Claire: I'm dead.
Jack: Don't be so dramatic.

The following dialogue is from a scene in one of my favorite love movies, Love The Hard Way (starring Adrien Brody as Jack). I've seen the movie a little over ten times and the scene still has the same affect on me as it did the first time i watched the movie. It raises so many questions about relationships in general. Do women set themselves up for disappointment romantically by creating fairy tale endings? Do I?

rhetorical question.

i am Claire.

Side note: Another movie suggestion, Broken starring Heather Graham.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

My Eighteen.

i've made about five "my eighteen" lists but never managed to complete any of them. i feared who might come across the list. well, the fear is gone. i have finally decided it is time for me to finish the list and get every built up emotion (good & bad) off my chest.

1. your more than my flesh and blood, your my part time mother. you've been through it all and then some. i can be hardheaded and hate to listen but your advice is never wrong. some people question the fact that i admire you so much but i could care less. no one understands the infinite strength you posses. i think you doubt it yourself. you shouldn't. your the one of the few people that can give me the honest truth, tell me to wipe the tears off my face and "suck it up, that's life" instead of letting me cry on your shoulder. your my rock and my only speed dial (literally). i use everything you've taught me as a map for my own life. you've toughened me up. i thank you for that but most importantly i love you for that.

2. we've known each other since the first grade and here we are nearly sixteen years later with a strong friendship. i haven't been the best friend to you over the past few months yet you still manage to be there for me when i need you most. i can't believe your a mom. i can't believe how much of a women you have grown into. i am truly happy for you. your getting everything you deserve. i can't wait until another ten years from now when i'm making you my bridesmaid. yes, i'm sure our friendship will last that long.

3. i never thought i'd meet one of my dearest friends on myspace but i did. your a wonderful person with a genuine heart. you tell me how it is and don't care if it hurts my feelings. its what i need, someone that doesn't sugarcoat the truth or tell me what i want to hear. i can talk to you for hours about absolutely nothing important and never get bored. its been that way since the very day you friend requested me. we may not live close to each other but we remain in contact which makes the distance non-existent. thank you for being there even when you didn't owe me shit. thank you for being real in a world full of fake.

4. thanks to my ex boyfriend i met you. one of the few things i can thank him for, our lovely friendship. your a great person and i am glad we had the pleasure of hanging out. people told me i shouldn't befriend you, but i don't see why. your amazing and hold nothing back. i think people fear that you are more than a woman but woman that is comfortable in her own skin. good for you. i need to surround myself with more people like yourself. it doesn't hurt that your family is equally as amazing as you.

5. you were my main bitch but unfortunately our friendship of fifteen years ended over one night of fun. i'd say it was a shame but i'd rather say shit happens. we may reunite somewhere along the lines but its going to really hard for me to forgive you. can't you see your wrongs, ever? i mean the fact that you didn't call my mom that night is beyond me. i don't hate you but i don't think our friendship was meant to last. true friends wouldn't have allowed things to get that out of control. everything happens for a reason. you were a great friend and lots of times you weren't. i'll miss the laughs and times we reminisce, i'll miss the inside jokes but i won't miss the fact that you couldn't tell me sorry. you never apologized, not once in all the years we were friends. sorry isn't your thing, understandable. dignity is mine. best of luck in life.

6. your the one guy i've actually loved. the one guy that probably would have married me if i didn't go and fuck up and act selfish. your a great person and thankfully your not the type to bounce and treat me like shit simply because "we are not official". your more than a first love, your my good friend. you know how i am and can deal with me. thanks for continuously dealing. you will remain in my life, even if it isn't romantically.

7. remember the day in psychology 101 i tapped your shoulder and asked if you wanted to be my lab partner? the day you rolled your eyes at me? well i remember. who would've thought that our awkward first day of "introduction to psychology" would turn into a close friendship. i swear, college wouldn't be the same without you. you have all your priorities straight and your a lot like myself. you know what you want and you go after it. you don't take shit from anyone even if its your parents. your intuitions are always right, especially when it comes to advice. i really should listen to you more.

8. your the brother i never had. i am hardheaded but you manage to push it to the side and stick around even if it is out of your character. i don't want you to go back to school. i hate when you do but when winter/spring/summer break rolls around i can look forward to having the best time with you. love you homie, even when you say "i don't care", i know deep down you do.

9. you started out as a friend then turned into someone i mess with, then a hopeless love interest and now here we are the best of friends. your a talented kid and i don't think i could hold the fact that you had no intention of getting involved with me against you. it is what it is. we been through way too much shit together to never talk again. we are better as friends. i support you one hundred percent and know you will be something amazing. the possibilities are endless with you. best of luck homie. remember the little people, especially me. ha.

1o. i really wish you would leave that loser you call your boyfriend. you have so much potential and you put so much of your life on hold for him. i love you so much and hate to see you with someone that is no good for you. i give you real advice and you get mad but i am only being honest because i hate to see you hurting or with someone for the sake of "being together". other than him, your still my main hoe. you definitely need to take time from that so-called love life and visit me in good ol' suburbia.

11. your my dedicated reader. you were the first person to instant message me and say, i know exactly how you feel. it doesn't hurt that your cute and beyond smart. i can't wait to see where this goes. hopefully your a good guy like you claim. i kind of think you came into my life for a reason. we'll see, we'll see.

12. if i had a twin it would be you. i am just like you, its kind of scary to see. your boyfriend happens to agree. sorry i haven't been the best friend lately but know that i love you alot. i'll miss your pint sized self when you go to school in the fall (which is a miracle in itself that your even going away, hooray! i'm beyond proud of you). better make time for me during all the breaks. okay boo? ha ha.

13. if we still talked i would ask you, why the fuck you messing up your life over "puppy love"? too bad we don't and too bad your getting advice from little kids.

14. you claim to be so mature yet you carry drama from high school into your adulthood. i may not be the most mature person but i know when shit should be dropped. you talk shit like its your job. you like to instigate and create drama then proceed to complain about people being against you? drama doesn't necessarily follow you as much as you follow it. get over yourself please. you got everything from the car to the boyfriend but do you have real friends anymore? nope. your too busy holding the littlest things against people, including me. i've known you for so long. you can't be serious. your guilty of all the things you've accused me of during our friendship, so what's your point? you don't have one. oh well, you don't need me, i don't need you. time for you to go find someone else to use.

15. thanks for supporting me. thanks for being there for me even when i was a terrible friend. thank you for understanding. thank you for remaining my friend and never holding anything against me. thank you.

16. well, you yell and scream every time i speak to you but when your not your trying to make me feel better. i don't know where i'd be in life without you. i may not tell you i love you often enough but i do. i'm sorry i don't clean the bathroom, i'm sorry i complain, i'm sorry i can't be the person you feel i should be right at this moment. i'm working on it. i really am.

17. fraternities and school was way more important to you. i couldn't find my way between any of the chaos, even when i tried my hardest. i can only thank you for the experience because the sex wasn't that great.

18. i would have started my list with you but i refuse to give you the satisfaction. well, where do i begin? i never thought you'd turn your back on me as easily as you did but i thought wrong. i gave myself to you completely. i lived and breathed you. i guess that is where i went wrong. i should have paid attention to my intuition when i knew things just weren't right. the warnings were right in front of my face. i ignored them all for the sake of holding on to what i thought was the best thing i've ever experienced. i did nothing but good things for you and the people of your life. i was an amazing girlfriend but instead of being a man and honestly telling me why you were leaving me you found an excuse to break up with me. you said you couldn't handle the stress of work. bullshit. you found a new half-ass replacement. so apparently you did have time, just not for me. hypocrite. i mean, maybe you did care for me at some point but it still does not erase the fact that you couldn't own up to the ways you betrayed me, time and time again. thanks to you i am completely numb to all "boys" that put on an act, boys such as yourself. cowards. your look does not the defeat the fact that your young in age and mind. i truly feel bad for the girl your with now, she can only look foward to hurt and disappointment. i didn't think i hated you, because the word hate is so strong but you know what, i do. i hate you. i thought i knew who you were but, after these past few weeks i look at you in a whole new light. a negative light. i used to wish you the best in life but you don't deserve any of my wishes. i hope to never see you again because then i can pretend you never hurt me enough to lead me to this point, the point of regret. i was mislead by false hopes you gave me. hopefully with the end of us i can look foward to something good, something real.

do not ask me for names to match numbers. i will not disclose that information under any circumstance.

do not judge me. do not question, just read.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Good Or Bad?




i am in love with ashanti's new album but her latest music video for her single, Good Good is a complete disappointment. the song is cute but in the video she is stereotyping women. women are more than housewives and arm candy, we have fully capable minds too.

Monday, August 4, 2008

My Mind Races.

i've had alot on my mind lately but for some reason i've had no words to explain whats been going on in my mental. i took the past two days to contemplate. thinking is what i've been doing most. thinking, thinking, thinking.

i am thinking too much.

for the past two days i've woken up in a cold sweat. nightmares that leave me uneasy. i don't know if i should blame the constant bad memories lingering in my head or the fact that they were so realistic. i've come to the conclusion that the recent nightmares and current events of my life have left me in complete fear of letting my trust go, ever again.

everything from new friendships to building romantic relationships. no one is worth it.

who can you really trust other than yourself? the world is cold and will only continue to get colder with time. people are messed up. people fuck up. its just the way it is. the only thing i can do is protect my feelings from people that are only going to toy with them.

its safe to say I'm done with it all. i don't give a fuck who you are. i won't bring the wall around me down for anyone. even if that means being alone. i am done putting others before myself.

that leads me to my next point.

i used to try and avoid regretting but i wasn't able to drown out the little voice in my head asking me to change a few things so i wouldn't feel badly. I'm finally learning, changing the past doesn't change inevitable outcomes, the future. everything happens for a reason. cliche yet honest.

truthfully, i am thankful for every single mistake and person that set me up for hurt and failure. my constant reminiscence has brought me to this point.

i won't stop blaming myself for ignoring the signals of destruction but i will understand how strong it has helped me become. for the first time in awhile i don't want to change anything. i don't want to be the one to apologize or cry. God is telling me something indirectly and i have to listen. i have to push on, even if that means leading a life without people i loved. turn your back on me and i guarantee i'll be waving my middle finger behind you.

i'll speak on this more later.
(i really don't care if the following post offends anyone. i'm done apologizing for my thoughts. fuck you and yours)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Catch and Release.

sometimes you have to let go of the things you held close in order to move foward. i'm learning to just let go.

i never thought i'd realize that on my birthday.