My Mind Races.

i've had alot on my mind lately but for some reason i've had no words to explain whats been going on in my mental. i took the past two days to contemplate. thinking is what i've been doing most. thinking, thinking, thinking.

i am thinking too much.

for the past two days i've woken up in a cold sweat. nightmares that leave me uneasy. i don't know if i should blame the constant bad memories lingering in my head or the fact that they were so realistic. i've come to the conclusion that the recent nightmares and current events of my life have left me in complete fear of letting my trust go, ever again.

everything from new friendships to building romantic relationships. no one is worth it.

who can you really trust other than yourself? the world is cold and will only continue to get colder with time. people are messed up. people fuck up. its just the way it is. the only thing i can do is protect my feelings from people that are only going to toy with them.

its safe to say I'm done with it all. i don't give a fuck who you are. i won't bring the wall around me down for anyone. even if that means being alone. i am done putting others before myself.

that leads me to my next point.

i used to try and avoid regretting but i wasn't able to drown out the little voice in my head asking me to change a few things so i wouldn't feel badly. I'm finally learning, changing the past doesn't change inevitable outcomes, the future. everything happens for a reason. cliche yet honest.

truthfully, i am thankful for every single mistake and person that set me up for hurt and failure. my constant reminiscence has brought me to this point.

i won't stop blaming myself for ignoring the signals of destruction but i will understand how strong it has helped me become. for the first time in awhile i don't want to change anything. i don't want to be the one to apologize or cry. God is telling me something indirectly and i have to listen. i have to push on, even if that means leading a life without people i loved. turn your back on me and i guarantee i'll be waving my middle finger behind you.

i'll speak on this more later.
(i really don't care if the following post offends anyone. i'm done apologizing for my thoughts. fuck you and yours)