My Eighteen.

i've made about five "my eighteen" lists but never managed to complete any of them. i feared who might come across the list. well, the fear is gone. i have finally decided it is time for me to finish the list and get every built up emotion (good & bad) off my chest.

1. your more than my flesh and blood, your my part time mother. you've been through it all and then some. i can be hardheaded and hate to listen but your advice is never wrong. some people question the fact that i admire you so much but i could care less. no one understands the infinite strength you posses. i think you doubt it yourself. you shouldn't. your the one of the few people that can give me the honest truth, tell me to wipe the tears off my face and "suck it up, that's life" instead of letting me cry on your shoulder. your my rock and my only speed dial (literally). i use everything you've taught me as a map for my own life. you've toughened me up. i thank you for that but most importantly i love you for that.

2. we've known each other since the first grade and here we are nearly sixteen years later with a strong friendship. i haven't been the best friend to you over the past few months yet you still manage to be there for me when i need you most. i can't believe your a mom. i can't believe how much of a women you have grown into. i am truly happy for you. your getting everything you deserve. i can't wait until another ten years from now when i'm making you my bridesmaid. yes, i'm sure our friendship will last that long.

3. i never thought i'd meet one of my dearest friends on myspace but i did. your a wonderful person with a genuine heart. you tell me how it is and don't care if it hurts my feelings. its what i need, someone that doesn't sugarcoat the truth or tell me what i want to hear. i can talk to you for hours about absolutely nothing important and never get bored. its been that way since the very day you friend requested me. we may not live close to each other but we remain in contact which makes the distance non-existent. thank you for being there even when you didn't owe me shit. thank you for being real in a world full of fake.

4. thanks to my ex boyfriend i met you. one of the few things i can thank him for, our lovely friendship. your a great person and i am glad we had the pleasure of hanging out. people told me i shouldn't befriend you, but i don't see why. your amazing and hold nothing back. i think people fear that you are more than a woman but woman that is comfortable in her own skin. good for you. i need to surround myself with more people like yourself. it doesn't hurt that your family is equally as amazing as you.

5. you were my main bitch but unfortunately our friendship of fifteen years ended over one night of fun. i'd say it was a shame but i'd rather say shit happens. we may reunite somewhere along the lines but its going to really hard for me to forgive you. can't you see your wrongs, ever? i mean the fact that you didn't call my mom that night is beyond me. i don't hate you but i don't think our friendship was meant to last. true friends wouldn't have allowed things to get that out of control. everything happens for a reason. you were a great friend and lots of times you weren't. i'll miss the laughs and times we reminisce, i'll miss the inside jokes but i won't miss the fact that you couldn't tell me sorry. you never apologized, not once in all the years we were friends. sorry isn't your thing, understandable. dignity is mine. best of luck in life.

6. your the one guy i've actually loved. the one guy that probably would have married me if i didn't go and fuck up and act selfish. your a great person and thankfully your not the type to bounce and treat me like shit simply because "we are not official". your more than a first love, your my good friend. you know how i am and can deal with me. thanks for continuously dealing. you will remain in my life, even if it isn't romantically.

7. remember the day in psychology 101 i tapped your shoulder and asked if you wanted to be my lab partner? the day you rolled your eyes at me? well i remember. who would've thought that our awkward first day of "introduction to psychology" would turn into a close friendship. i swear, college wouldn't be the same without you. you have all your priorities straight and your a lot like myself. you know what you want and you go after it. you don't take shit from anyone even if its your parents. your intuitions are always right, especially when it comes to advice. i really should listen to you more.

8. your the brother i never had. i am hardheaded but you manage to push it to the side and stick around even if it is out of your character. i don't want you to go back to school. i hate when you do but when winter/spring/summer break rolls around i can look forward to having the best time with you. love you homie, even when you say "i don't care", i know deep down you do.

9. you started out as a friend then turned into someone i mess with, then a hopeless love interest and now here we are the best of friends. your a talented kid and i don't think i could hold the fact that you had no intention of getting involved with me against you. it is what it is. we been through way too much shit together to never talk again. we are better as friends. i support you one hundred percent and know you will be something amazing. the possibilities are endless with you. best of luck homie. remember the little people, especially me. ha.

1o. i really wish you would leave that loser you call your boyfriend. you have so much potential and you put so much of your life on hold for him. i love you so much and hate to see you with someone that is no good for you. i give you real advice and you get mad but i am only being honest because i hate to see you hurting or with someone for the sake of "being together". other than him, your still my main hoe. you definitely need to take time from that so-called love life and visit me in good ol' suburbia.

11. your my dedicated reader. you were the first person to instant message me and say, i know exactly how you feel. it doesn't hurt that your cute and beyond smart. i can't wait to see where this goes. hopefully your a good guy like you claim. i kind of think you came into my life for a reason. we'll see, we'll see.

12. if i had a twin it would be you. i am just like you, its kind of scary to see. your boyfriend happens to agree. sorry i haven't been the best friend lately but know that i love you alot. i'll miss your pint sized self when you go to school in the fall (which is a miracle in itself that your even going away, hooray! i'm beyond proud of you). better make time for me during all the breaks. okay boo? ha ha.

13. if we still talked i would ask you, why the fuck you messing up your life over "puppy love"? too bad we don't and too bad your getting advice from little kids.

14. you claim to be so mature yet you carry drama from high school into your adulthood. i may not be the most mature person but i know when shit should be dropped. you talk shit like its your job. you like to instigate and create drama then proceed to complain about people being against you? drama doesn't necessarily follow you as much as you follow it. get over yourself please. you got everything from the car to the boyfriend but do you have real friends anymore? nope. your too busy holding the littlest things against people, including me. i've known you for so long. you can't be serious. your guilty of all the things you've accused me of during our friendship, so what's your point? you don't have one. oh well, you don't need me, i don't need you. time for you to go find someone else to use.

15. thanks for supporting me. thanks for being there for me even when i was a terrible friend. thank you for understanding. thank you for remaining my friend and never holding anything against me. thank you.

16. well, you yell and scream every time i speak to you but when your not your trying to make me feel better. i don't know where i'd be in life without you. i may not tell you i love you often enough but i do. i'm sorry i don't clean the bathroom, i'm sorry i complain, i'm sorry i can't be the person you feel i should be right at this moment. i'm working on it. i really am.

17. fraternities and school was way more important to you. i couldn't find my way between any of the chaos, even when i tried my hardest. i can only thank you for the experience because the sex wasn't that great.

18. i would have started my list with you but i refuse to give you the satisfaction. well, where do i begin? i never thought you'd turn your back on me as easily as you did but i thought wrong. i gave myself to you completely. i lived and breathed you. i guess that is where i went wrong. i should have paid attention to my intuition when i knew things just weren't right. the warnings were right in front of my face. i ignored them all for the sake of holding on to what i thought was the best thing i've ever experienced. i did nothing but good things for you and the people of your life. i was an amazing girlfriend but instead of being a man and honestly telling me why you were leaving me you found an excuse to break up with me. you said you couldn't handle the stress of work. bullshit. you found a new half-ass replacement. so apparently you did have time, just not for me. hypocrite. i mean, maybe you did care for me at some point but it still does not erase the fact that you couldn't own up to the ways you betrayed me, time and time again. thanks to you i am completely numb to all "boys" that put on an act, boys such as yourself. cowards. your look does not the defeat the fact that your young in age and mind. i truly feel bad for the girl your with now, she can only look foward to hurt and disappointment. i didn't think i hated you, because the word hate is so strong but you know what, i do. i hate you. i thought i knew who you were but, after these past few weeks i look at you in a whole new light. a negative light. i used to wish you the best in life but you don't deserve any of my wishes. i hope to never see you again because then i can pretend you never hurt me enough to lead me to this point, the point of regret. i was mislead by false hopes you gave me. hopefully with the end of us i can look foward to something good, something real.

do not ask me for names to match numbers. i will not disclose that information under any circumstance.

do not judge me. do not question, just read.